i turned the AC on. its like a swamp in my room and i am on the second floor. it’s much cooler downstairs. i ate some cookies for breakfast. funny how i consider that a meal.

i learned yesterday that my good friend, gay man with husband…they adopted a baby boy years ago. so the kid is now 6. so turns out he named his kid after is great uncle Frank who was Lenape indian. he shared a picture. you could see the resemblence. wow i thought. no one knows this. this is not wide knowelege to even his closest people. it’s almost a secret. and this kid is half or a quarter black. everyone saying he is black (looks white you would never know) but here his name is Frank. after his indian great uncle. its not like there was just one indian great uncle. there were more. of course. naturally. we aren’t that stupid are we? indian as dead. invisible. doesn’t exist. a thing of the past. Frank is alive right now

i didn’t sleep enough but the heat woke me up and the sound of the rooster and birds…so happy with the heat i suppose. it’s may and gonna be in the 90’s today. i suppose this is normal. but none of us alive can’t help to notice the warming of the earth. i am sure the animal kingdom notices too and maybe are even mad at us. im so sad. you know…i miss my cop friend. we don’t get to hang out often. our paths don’t cross as much as i wish they did. although he does teach dance at my studio and we do text and chat. i saw him last night was so happy…at first was scared. he asked me how i was. inside i thought “i’m ready to break-down” that’s how i am. i’m lost and don’t have a soul to tell. Told him i was fine. i said in a convincing tone. well i am fine. aren’t we all? he said he was good too and talked about all his many accomplishments to set his life up the way he wants it. he loves that he can do that. he loves how smart he is and the handle he has on this thing called life. he was born in germany. he is tall, very handsome, and blond man. easy for him to set his life up although he would say its been hard work. i know it has. wonder if he can ever let his heart break? wonder if he feels as lonely as i do? we don’t all get the same chances. many of us never get nothing. our worth like a bug. in a whisper….

it was good to dance with him. notice how he is one of my favorite people. notice how i always want in to his world but it feels so far away and a place i can never have. this is old. this is daddy issues. i avoid my dad. i hide my rage towards him. i hide all rage and only call when i have something good to say. such a limited relationship. i want so much more. there is that want word again. wanted to cry with cop friend. can we just cry? im ready to break-down. had a hard day. feel lost and alone. my mother wants to die. there are no words for her pain. im swimming in uncertainty. why the hell did my grampa leave that reservation? what are we doing here in illinois. how can i go on? i didn’t break down. we danced. i appreciated him. i said goodbye after class. he can tell there is more to say. i have no words for him to share. or maybe too many words. when will i share?

my dad.

hard to believe he is my father.

5:51am wow that is early. maybe i’ll close the drapes and give myself a second chance at sleep.