I have missed a bunch of days…well a day…and an evening. i was with my boyfriend and there goes all my creative juices haha. but nice to be with him. nice to have a warm body that loves me in such clear and effortless ways. i need to decided to love

i am tired and really should just go to bed instead of trying to get these pages out. i was listening to a woman the other day. she was crying…she liked that she grew up not being allowed or able to want things. she said its more human knowing you can’t always want and often you can’t want. that is the reality for most people…in a world where the majority is poor and working class. that is the reality. and its better to live in reality than not.

i found some peace in that tonight. i always want. want want want. i have been allowed and encouraged to want anything and everything and this has been a gift. but i lost something about not having…i mean there is a lot i didn’t get we all didn’t get.

i am trying to understand my mother. her addicdtions. her manipulations. her gobs of confusions that now lay in my lap for me to handle because she can not. i am resentful of this life. i am also lonely that i am alone and wont dare let anyone in. i let a few in. maybe i am just being hard on myself? maybe. maybe i can go to bed feeling pleased? i just odn’t know…cuz hey there is so much of that wanting tapping on my shoulder. and i do think still…its so good to want.