where was i going with all this anyway? this is for me. that’s why i started this whole blog thing for myself. but its deeper than that i suppose. i am not just writing a journal. this is all live on the internet.

my mom freaked out today again. no idea what to make of it all. it’s all on the edge of life, death, becoming homeless. its all so scary. breaking laws. being outcasted. pretending. i hate it. what are we all doing anyway? i wanted to talk more about my time on standing rock. a time i felt so alive. connected. was laughing genuinely. hmm maybe never mind.

maybe i need to start a story? a story about a girl or maybe a boy or maybe a frog? it needs to be a story about great resilience. what will be my great resilience? right now i just feel like a tragic story of a girl that was born with big dreams and hopes and barely made any of it happen with any dignity. just with rags and bags and a bunch of what should and how it should be. i enjoy the view of my backyard. its so unreal. the beauty. i made that happen. i paid for a lot of things to get done. a lot of things i did with friends over time. i imagined this house to be. what can i imagine next? well i can imagine a lot…but what could i actually do? at my age. with my body. with all the things on my shoulders? what do i want to try….while wanting to try nothing at all. my mom will die and people will be sad and everything will just keep going as it goes with all our worries and greivences. i want so much more than just that. i want to know deeply in my bones my life is worth something, is valuable, and i have lived each moment…have lived each moment with no regret.